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Welcome to Sunday, kids. Here’s a little something for you just in case you didn’t find yourself in church this morning. I wrote it as a devotional for a Facebook group I was in last year. Hey look, something serious from me! Oh calm down, it ain’t gonna kill you to read something real here for a change.
Ahem…Raise your hand if you’ve ever grown frustrated with yourself for struggling with the same issues you struggled with when you were young. Please tell me I’m not the only one with my hand raised.
I had this idea when I was young that by the time I was an adult things like jealousy, pride, and worrying about what people think of me would be far in the past. Grown up Paula would NEVER have to worry about that kind of silly pettiness.
And yet…here I am at thirty seven, staring down the smoking barrel of forty, and I sometimes I still struggle with it.
No where was this more evident in my life than in my recent travels with my cousin Margaret. Margaret is pretty much everything I’m not. She is super svelte with a fancy job and, get this, kids that actually behave! Margaret has a very sweet four year old daughter. Think Mary Ingalls. My four year old…well, I’d like to think she’s like Mary’s sister Laura Ingalls but it’s more like Nelly Olsen! We had decided to take our daughters to Disney World together. And therein lay the problem.
Y’all, I was worried. I began to actually dread the trip because I was so concerned with how my four year old was going to behave around Margaret. It wasn’t that I really cared that my four year old might misbehave. Four year old’s misbehave. Oh no. What I cared about was how Margaret was going to view my parenting skills when Stella, my daughter, misbehaved. See, I wanted her to think I was a great Mom. I have this perception of myself that I want others to see and when I can’t control every single move that my kids make I worry what people will think. I’m not like that all the time but it definitely pops out sometimes.
Proverbs 29:25 says “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe.” That’s exactly what it felt like – a trap. A trap that was threatening to ruin what could be a really special time with my daughter and my oldest friend. All this worry over what someone thought of my parenting.
I’ve been reading Shauna Niequist lately. She talks a lot about pain and suffering. Specifically about leaning away from your self and into God when you are in pain. I thought about what this would look like in my situation. Finally, I picked up my phone and texted Margaret:
“I’m need to tell you something. I’m worried about the trip. I’m worried about how Stella is going to behave on this trip. I’m worried that you are going to think I’m a bad Mom when Stella misbehaves.”
And just like that the fear was gone. The simple act of shining light on my fear released me. Margaret immediately texted back that I was being ridiculous and everyone’s kids misbehave or some such. She reassured me. I felt silly for worrying about it in the first place.
Oh, Lord, save me from me! Let me lean into you and away from my own inadequacies.
And the trip? It was fantastic. I mean, yes, at one point Margaret’s daughter sweetly said ‘let’s share my glow sticks with everyone’ while Stella looked horrified and hoarded them like an old lady on TLC, but all in all it was a total win.
Four year old behavior and all.
