Jenny Lawson Gave Me Smallpox

So...

I've been reading this little gem:

Jenny Lawson's book Let's Pretend This Never Happened. 

Let me just go on and lay it out on the table that the last time I actually wet my pants from laughing was when I was nine months pregnant with my first child. I was on the phone with my cousin Laura Lee and she was telling me some sort of story about a shenanigan with a cat. I don't know. 

Today though....Today I came pretty close. And it's Jenny Lawson's fault. 

And I'm not saying you should go out and drop a $20 on her book because...well, it's...um, different. I mean, is it the funniest book I have ever read? Yes. Hands down, absolutely, yes. 

But...

See, it's like this:

When the movie The Hangover came out I got a text message from one of my brothers that said "The Hangover is the funniest movie I have ever seen. Do not go see the Hangover."

That's this book in a nutshell. 

It's a bit like reading David Sedaris. You don't know whether to hug him, slap him, or just pray for him.

Reading Mrs Lawson's book has brought out the snarky side of me. I know, I know. Normally, I abhor snark. ABHOR IT! 

I reserve it only for football season and only on Twitter. 

However, I've found myself swimming in a mental pool of snark since I started the book. On the same day I bought this book I also bought Disney's Sing Along Princess DVD:

Now I know the Princess' can be controversial and I'm all for women and all that rah rah but I'm just so sick of Elmo. And Stella likes to sing. So...save your judgment.

Anyway...

I realized that the book may have been affecting me when I began to talk back to the characters on the DVD - especially during the Pocahontas number.

It went something like this: 

Pocahontas and Grandmother Willow are having this lovely conversation when the European ships appear on the horizon just past the Native American village. Grandmother Willow loftily says "I smell a change in the air." And I think it's supposed to be this kind of beautiful moment where two cultures meet but all I could think of was:

"Heck, yeah you smell something in the air! It's freaking smallpox! And it's coming for you."

Jenny Lawson gave me smallpox.

She gave my blog smallpox. She probably wishes you had smallpox too! Yep...smallpox.

I'd elaborate but I really want to finish the book. I want to finish it so bad that I let the minions watch TV tonight even though they didn't start finish their chores. So...That judgement I told you to save? You can break it out and use it on me here. 

It's the least I could do now that you have smallpox.