Dear Readers...
I'm feeling rather blue tonight. I've been reading Kenneth Grahame's The Wind in the Willows and it always makes me a little morose. Plus, it's this child:
James, the oldest, age 9.
He is the one I worry about. My heart. He is clumsy, shy and apathetic. Handsome and clever but with a lazy streak a mile wide.
The other minions don't receive my worry. Henry, the 7 year old, is glued together with 40% spunk, 40% heart and 20% mischievousness. He loves Jesus, is a hard worker, a charmer, and is naturally athletic. He'll get by just fine.
Stella I don't worry about because she's three and has yet to develop beyond the 'am I hungry/tired/uncomfortable/thirsty' phase. It'll come and I can already tell she'll handle it.
"Fine then. Don't worry about me. See if I care!"
But James...Oh, James. See, he begged to play basketball this year. Since he rarely gets interested in anything we agreed to let him. Even though, yes, I know, John Rosemond says little league is from the devil. We received an e-mail from the coaches before practice started saying that the 4th graders had a lot of kids on the team and the competition and level of play was going to be very high. Oy Vey. Not a good sign for my awkward kid. After the first practice the coach asked us if James would mind playing on the 3rd grade team. The team was very small and needed more players. So he and one other 4th grader agreed to play down. I promise I asked him and he seemed fine with it. Seemed fine being the operative phrase.
Tonight the kids scrimmaged with the 4th grade team and got absolutely whipped. Off hand I'd say the score was 40 - 4. By the end of the 30 minute scrimmage James was dejected, downtrodden and dying to go home. I took him aside and asked him what was wrong and with big fat tears is his eyes he told me 'I just feel so left out! I'm the only one of the 15 fourth graders here that plays with the 3rd grade.'
Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch! It's this strange searing pain. This parenting pain that I didn't know existed until I had kids. I want so much for him to be confident and joyful but I don't know how to make that happen.
So, what to do people? Is self confidence something we can instill in out kids or is it something they have to grab on their own? Should I have insisted he play with the 4th graders? And, darn it, why can't I make a decent batch of fried chicken?
So, I apologize for the melancholy nature of the blog tonight. Blame it on Wind in the Willows. Mr Toad always gets my down.
Tags:
Jane Gets Preachy
We live in an era when every child is extraordinary and is celebrated with ribbons, trophies, and adulation from parents and family and friends often completely divorced from actual accomplishment. The trouble with unearned plaudits is, of course, that they are meaningless. One of the lessons we have to teach our kids is that performance is unfortunately connected to effort. If James is not God-gifted with great athletic ability he will have to make up for it with work. He will have to ask for a "tee" and spend hours in the back yard hitting off the tee into a net. He will have to bribe his brother or plead for his dad or mom to play catch with him. Whenever my daughters tried the "not fair" card I would tell them that accomplishment comes from effort and if the balance between those two things isn't working for them they either have to increase their effort or reduce their expectations of accomplishment.
ReplyDeleteSo we cannot instill self confidence in our kids because it comes from their own accomplishments. From what I can tell from the blog you and Billy are wonderful parents and you will do a great job. You will guide and prod and suggest and help all of your kids find those areas where their interests and abilities coincide.
That's the perspective I need. Totally 100% true.
DeleteI think (but am not sure) that I disagree with leatherneck. Our culture rewards extroverted athletic people. You and I both have kids that do not fit in to that category. I think our God-given challenge is to raise them to be all they are meant to be, not all that our culture wants them to be. This is much bigger than a blog reply but you know my situation and how this is near and dear to me right now. When I get life all figured out, I'll let you know.
ReplyDelete